The Joy of Being Unencumbered
When One is unencumbered by the constraints of motherhood for 24 hours. Oh, the trouble One can get into!!!!
First, because One doesn’t need to go home and make sure One’s WMG has completed her homework and eaten her veggies and taken a bath, One must spend an additional 2 hours (additional to the customary 2 hours) at Tarjayz, because they have some new bras that looked like they MIGHT fit so One HAD TO try them on. . . but they didn’t. Sigh. So, at closing time, One gives up and goes home.
One’s dog, who didn’t take the trip to SD, is very excited when One comes home - “OhMyGawd. I TOTALLY thought you had abandoned me!!! Do you have a biscuit? El Cat has been chasing me around every. Oh Mama, I LOVE you! Do you have a biscuit? I’m so glad you’re back!! What’s that Smell? Do you have a biscuit? I’d very much like a biscuit!” So One takes her dog for a little walkie-walk, singing silly sings (out loud) to her and admiring all the houses One would LOVE to live in, rather than her Crappy Little Apartment.
Upon returning, singing “Jagger, waggers, waggily tail. . .” One nearly RUNS INTO A DOZEN UNIFORMED POLICE OFFICERS, who are attempting a covert approach on the Yellow House Across The Street. Except that One’s dog is causing the dog next door to the Yellow House Across The Street to bark. Stunned out of her reverie by the youth, vigor and BODY ARMOR of La Policia, One quickly crosses the street to the CLA building, taking refuge in her CLA, and surreptitiously spying on the goings-on from her bathroom window.
After 15 minutes of flashlights going off and on, a bit of a skerfuffle and the carting away of one person in a white t-shirt, One gets bored and goes to have cereal for dinner. Since One is tired and there’s nothing exciting on Late Nite TV, One goes to bed.
And wakes up . . . AT THE CRACK OF DAWN.
Seriously. Without One’s Wee MonkeyGurrl to wake her up at 6am, 6:23, 6:47, and so on until WMG either gets beaten or is otherwise occupied, One will sleep until 8am and then wake up FRESH AS A FRIGGIN DAISY. Amazing. So One will decide to do some things One wanted to do. BUT FIRST, One must obsess over how One will get Uncle Douggles and WMG to the Pantages the next day, given that the LA Marathon goes right down Hollywood to Vine. One must waste HOURS mapping out the route and the street closing times and the intersection reopening times (one mile every thirteen minutes. . .), until One realizes - ONE IS WASTING PRECIOUS DAYLIGHT on something that can be done at a later time. So One goes to take a shower, but starts obsessing on One’s grey hair - not the fact that One has grey hair (which One has in copius amounts), but that some hairs will have grey tips (2 -3 inches), and then switch BACK TO BLACK (or brown or whatever) all the way up to the root. One wastes more hours tracking said grey tips to the roots (pluck if they’re skunk hairs, leave if they’re not), and then decides to CHOP OFF (roughly) 4” of hair. “That’ll take care of those grey tips!” One thinks. OCD much, any ONE?
Finally (somewhat) decent for travel OUT OF DOORS ON A SATURDAY, one goes to a yard sale TWENTY MILES AWAY. Because all the local ones are crap, you know? Naw, One goes there solely to mock to the Yard Salers because One knows yard sales are NO FUN, and promptly upon arrival announces “I’m not going to take Any Thing because I already have too much crap at home.”
Of course, One manages to walk away with SEVEN Things. One is glad One didn’t see the Sylvester ashtray or the CD holder made to look like a t.v., b/c then One would have taken more Things that One doesn’t need or have room for.
When One is hanging out with the Yard Salers, One invites herself into the house under the guise of wanting to meet Yard Saler #1’s furry creatures. The group gets to chatting in The Cat Room, and Yard Saler #2 starts to turn a deeper shade of purple (given her allergic disposition toward felines). Before the group has the sense to leave the Cat Room, One and Yard Saler #1 were talking about age, and One mentions how she is far older than YS1, which YS1 doesn’t believe (bless her heart!)
“Why,” says YS1, “How old ARE you?”
“How old are YOU?!” One retorts.
“I’m 34 - but I’ll be 35 in (some spring/summer month that One has already forgotten, no doubt due to her advanced age.)”
“Wow,” disbelief registering on her face. “You must moisturize.”
One finds that infinitely amusing.
One Journeys On.
One goes to a sale at a local yarn store. But first, One gets stuck in traffic on the legendary freeway (101, of course!). One gets confused as to which way One is going (b/c One seldom goes to The Valley), and so what should have taken 20 minutes ends up taking nearly an hour and a half. That Fresca One enjoyed at YS1’s house is starting to force it’s way out!!
So get this (and tell me if maybe it’s just me that’s crazy), One walks into the TINY boutique store where there are “designer” clothes on one wall, and cubicles filled with yarn on the other. One only knows about the sale through the LA SnB list and there are no signs anywhere, so One asks the proprietress, “So, what is the sale?”
“It’s on yarn.”
“Yes, I understand that, but what is 'ON SALE'.”
“Some are 30, some are 50 and some are 75 percent off.”
“Well, how can I tell which is which, unless I’m supposed to bring each skein up and ask you?”
“OH. Well, the yarns with the green dot above the cubbies are 20% off. . . .blah, blah, blah.”
Now, perhaps it’s just me, couldn’t that have been answered two questions ago?
One walked out of there with a bagful of yarn for under $60.
Here it is all loosey-goosey
(One got soy and bamboo and "Wick", OH MY!)
And here it is, ready to go into The Stash
Monkey says: YUMMMMMMMMY!!!!!
One is exhausted. One wants to go home. One drives down the street and sees Pinkberry and considers stopping, but it’s crowded and on the east side of the street. One drives through Koreatown and sees a store front with the name “Seoul Dogg”. One hopes it’s not their specialty.
One heads home where One must take out the trash, change the linens for the visiting Uncle, and generally tidy up the CLA. One again has cereal for dinner. One thinks about YS1’s cute little house and how jealous One is that YS1 is unencumbered, and thinks, the grass is always greener...
Then One gets ready for Sunday, because that’s going to be an even BIGGER adventure!