Who Ya Callin' a HO?!

The season is upon us - tonite is our annual Holiday Party for FatCatLawFirm, LA. When I first started working here, some 7 years ago, the attendees were limited to employees of the Firm. No spouses, no dates, free alcohol and good eats. Much debauchery was to be had. Well, I never really witnessed anything much beyond pissy drunkenness, but I heard RUMORS...

Anyhoo, it's a very hifalutin' affair. My first year, it was at the Peninsula. Very chi-chi.

The hotel is really nice. This being my first year, I was inappropriately dressed in a nice, conservative blue suit. I'd heard about law firms that had "employee only" holiday parties, but I'd never witnessed one. I thought it would be very Peyton Place-esque.

My attorney, Mr. S, is the nicest guy in the world. I was in for a great surprise when I saw him dressed as Santa Claus, climb up on a chintz-covered reproduction chair, and deliver his cutting observations on the accomplishments of the office in the past year. His style is a lot like Letterman, only more erudite and a bit less unctuous. I laughed my a$$ off.

The office manager got drunk and prattled on about her dogs. I left after the dinner, since WeeMonkeyGurl was only 6 months old at the time, and I'd just won a bunch of money on a game show. I should have hung around - after dancing, a bunch of folks went over to the bar, where they met Shaq.

Over the years, there have been two parties at RegBevWil,
where I managed to embarrass myself to the fullest (highlights include drunkenly yelling at people to "shut up while Santa's talking" and breaking the strap on my bra), and three at Hotel Bel Air, where the dance floor is actually a stage with, oh, eleventy steps down. . . which is a far way to fall. But the surroundings (the swans! the topiary!) are enchanted.

But my favorite location (and site of this year's debacle) is The Club. The dance floor is an actual FLOOR, the bar is a real BAR, and the facilities are POSH. La-dee-da!! Last time we partied there (the *first* time dates were allowed!), I took home the jacket of our managing partner (whom I thought had left and forgotten it!), leaving him without a wallet or his car keys for the balance of the weekend. Oh, it took me WEEKS to get over that embarassment!

All this fahncee dress (i.e., CLEAVAGE) and free booze reminds me of a sweet time back when I lived in San Diego, when I was asked to a "Dining Out" by a very handsome young Naval officer. Having never been to a prom or other formal affair, I was a bit concerned about what to wear and how to behave - I wanted to be attractive to him, but not like this. In any event, that was a very special experience. Sometimes I think I try to replicate it at the parties, but it's just not the same. I guess the absolute dearth of men in uniforms will have that effect.

Wish me luck, and turn off your cellphones. There will be drunk dialing tonite.

OH, WAIT - I forgot to ask. I went to Ross(™) last nite to find a dress (you can tell I have a LOT invested in this!) I usually have a huge problem finding anything because I'm "cushy". Last nite, after trying on (no kidding) at least 40 dresses, I came home with FOUR (and all for under $100!). I have my choice of (a) a red (b/c I'm a HARLOT! a HUSSY) grecian number (lycra, floor-length, yadda, yadda); (2) a midnight blue velveteen column dress (very elegant, but dark); (iii) a purple *gown* (literally; it has swirls and layers and a tasteful applique!); or (four) black tea-length dress that for the life of me I couldn't figure out why I liked it until I realized it was a black version (with seriously low cleavage) of this dress, when Maria gets rid of that witch and finally gets the Captain. WHICH SHOULD I WEAR?!?!?!