Aw, HOLY HELL

I apologize in advance for and warn of the coarse language used in this post.

THIS is . . . WAS WMG's bus driver.

Christ.

We watched the late news on Saturday nite, something I've been avoiding doing in the attempt to sleep at night, but it was Saturday, and we were going to watch SNL, and... His picture was up, and the Jman made a remark about how he looked like WMG's bus driver, except (the bus driver) has a big, goofy grin. I was knitting, I didn't even look up. We made our wise-ass remarks as a way of dealing with the issue, and forgot about it.

Until this morning.

Bus driver didn't show up yesterday, but we didn't think anything of it. I got a call from the school last nite, but I didn't hear my cell phone ring, so I didn't hear the message. WMG didn't say anything, so there wasn't any buzz around the school. Then, when the Jman got home this morning from dropping off the WMG, he said, "Uh, honey. . ."

I thought, "Oh, shit. This sounds like its gonna cost me money!"

I was totally unprepared for what he had to tell me. So I dealt with it in my usual calm, logical way. I pointed out that it was a domestic dispute and that it had nothing to do with the kids, so there was really nothing for us to worry about. (Like humans are capable of compartmentalizing like that.) That if the guy had no previous record, there was no way of telling he was going to snap, so there was nothing the school district could have done to weed him out. And that there are sharp edges everywhere; we can't expect to cushion everything so the monkey is always safe. Life doesn't work like that.

But inside, I feel like I'm going to hurl at any minute.

The principal said there would be a counselor on campus for the kids if they should need it. I feel I need it. Can I go to campus? No, I have to sit at my desk and focus on bullshit work while my angel is constantly in harm's way.

I've never really cared about living; I'm pretty much on borrowed time, anyway. The way I've lived, I should have been dead 100 times over. But since having the WMG, I know I have to stick around so I can take care of her. If this guy was to have snapped during the week instead of over the weekend, there's no way I could have done anything. Helplessness. Not a feeling I relish.